Disney Princess Terrorists

I knew better. You fly enough, you should know the rules. When you go through the full-body scanner you must remove everything from your pockets. I forgot my wallet.
So here I am, watching a highly-trained TSA agent take my wallet apart (as if I might have a pound or two of ammonium nitrate explosive hidden between my family photo and my pastors' discount card for the Tree of Life bookstore) while another security "expert" is fondling my crotch and ass.

It's been a long trip. I'm not feeling all that well. My tolerance for morons in uniform is at a dangerous low. There is another flight out in a couple of hours if...for some reason...I should be "delayed." Everything is in perfect order for me to cause someone to regret their employment choice. All that is left is to decide on the appropriate volume for the coming tirade.

But before I can utter the brilliant (yet cutting) comment to the troll still amusing himself with my wallet, the calm of the security screening area is shattered by a loud male voice shouting "Are you f___ing KIDDING me?" A small child begins to wail, and the voice continues "This has got to be some kind of f___ing joke!"

Wow, I think. That is far better than the snarky comment I was going to make. As Charleston Hesston said in the Ten Commandments, when seeing the burning bush from a distance, "I must go and see this thing." So as I put on my shoes, belt, watch, cell phone, glasses (and what was left of my dignity), I moved to see what the commotion was about.

The short version of the story was this. Mom, Dad and (I'm guessing) four-year-old daughter are coming back from a trip to Disneyland. Daughter's souvenir from the trip was a Disney Princess snow globe. Disney princess snow globes are on the official TSA no-fly list, so a dutiful and ever-vigilant agent has taken the snow globe from the child's Little Mermaid backpack and has thrown it into the bin of other extremely dangerous confiscated liquids (mostly oversized bottles of mouthwash). Child is wailing, and Dad has crossed the line from annoyed to full-blown anger. Others in line are joining in verbal abuse of the TSA agent.

The scene resembled recent news reports from Egypt. Security agents were arriving from other screening stations. And I swear people in line were scanning the floor for rocks to throw. My participation was neither needed or called for, so I went on to catch my flight.

I shared the story will a fellow passenger. She looked at me smugly and declared "I feel for the little girl, but personally, I'm willing to do anything to make sure flying is safe."

Really? Anything? I can't wait to hear her response when someone inevitably smuggles an explosive device "inside" their body, where the scanners don't penetrate. Let's see if she feels safer after the rubber gloves are removed.

So we traumatize four-year-olds. We publicly embarrass a woman in the Portland airport, as a TSA agent makes her explain (in front of dozens of other passengers) that the bulk the agent is feeling during the pat-down is an adult Depends diaper. Or the elderly black man in Orlando that had to show the agent (and everyone else in line) his colostomy bag. Or the veteran forced at LAX to remove his prosthetic leg to go through the screening. Or the additional screening and the interview I had to endure because I made a last minute change to my flight schedule when I found out my Mom had passed away.

Do I feel safer now when I fly? I'll feel safer when we abandon the idiotic screening methods we use in this country (methods that have been proven over and over to not work). I'll feel safer when we adopt methods that do work. I'll feel safer when we stop groping little old ladies, and instead, take a hard look at every traveler who even appears to be of middle eastern decent. And if my darker skin and beard mean that I get groped more often, I'll live.

But I must admit...I would really like to see the Homeland Security briefing on Disney Princess terrorist. I'll bet anything that Princess Jasmine is the ringleader.